Blabbin’

I’m surprised to be on my computer right now after such a long day with this hot machine burning into my palms as I uploaded photos and descriptions to the Taigan facebook account. By 2pm, glazed eyes and an encompassing nausea after staring at my screen for so long, I have just about had it with all this computer work! Alas, here I am delving into my thoughts and typing them out :: just for you S, just for you. 

I am all over the place when trying to pinpoint what has enveloped my mind for the past couple of days. Yesterday I worked my school schedule into graduating a semester early, then after having a conversation with Liz and truly thinking through the matter, I have no idea why I spent so much time there. Today, I energetically spewed out random thoughts and harbored emotions to my mom after a simple question on how I feel about something. Who knew not talking to people caused so much to come out! Interesting how I can be surrounded by a room full of people, girls none-the-less, and develop so many different trains in my brain :: you just pick which on you want to attempt to hop on. 

Control is slowly but surely slipping out of my fingers, which I am thankful to admit and continually remind myself how wonderful that can be. I am toxic when I handle the reins. As I figure out who I am and discovering my passions, it is so much more than clothes and the whirlwind fashion world invigorating my dreams and aspirations. The passion lies behind the ability to express myself through appearance; to relinquish who I am without even having to say anything. And the realm of articulation, to be able to express myself through connected words and streams of consciousness, to take someone down a rabbit trail and resonate with experiences, conversations, and emotion. The idea of teaching and walking with someone through a phase of life, to be a source of advice, a friend, a mentor, someone to look up too teaching about the failures and successes. The dream to be successful in my own creative way continues to haunt me as I anxiously seek to find that passion :: to pinpoint exactly what it is that fuels my very core. 

Simply put and simply answered. I won’t find that one thing || instead I’ll continue to find more outlets that stimulate my being, that require me to learn more, research more, articulate more, teach more, express more, innovate more. 

I say all this and then I sit mindlessly taking the day as it comes, developing my sense of “flexibility” and willingness to let the Lord lead. 

For polish is the result of difficulties…Since God knows what niche we are to fill, let us trust Him to shape us to it. And since He knows what work we are to do, let us trust Him to grind us so we will be properly prepared.
with or without you

how do you know what to do when you’re caught between where you are and where you’re supposed to be? that is the question that was asked at Hillsong last sunday when we visited. and in a moment i was convicted: i am someone whose mind is always onto the next thing: even in nyc i can’t get out of the headspace that always convinces me that i’m not doing/seeing/being enough. Carl Lentz gave an amazing charge on this very idea, grounded in the roots of the word. We were first reminded to keep perspective, second to keep persevering and lastly to keep God’s presence the prize. in keeping perspective when Moses was leading the people of God, the Israelites forgot what the Lord was doing in their lives and began to believe that He wouldn’t continue to provide for them. when they stopped believing, the Lord continued to give, like water from the rock. there is nothing provocative or attractive about the idea of perseverance, but we are called regardless. there are certain spiritual callings, actions and aspects that are deeply attractive and enticing. the lord created our hearts and desires, and knows them better than we do ourselves. this is why i believe that he created our mission to be pleasurable. but in saying that, it is not always this way: i think you and i and everyone else can attest to this from specific desserts we’ve traversed in life or even this year. if i could have it my way, i would want water from the rock on a daily basis, every time i doubt the will or provision of God. but sometimes the lord chooses other ways to instill that trust and belonging and that is through perseverance. 

when we lose perspective and perseverance, we also lose power, prospect and passion as well. last night i was able to see clark in the city! claire and i met up with her and recho and her friends from app state who know live in south williamsburg, dani and jenna. as we were all riding the train, claire was asking clark how she got to where she is in the creative community. clark said something that caught my attention: “what i’ve come to realize is that it’s not about one magical and important connection with the right people to get you where you’re going. i’ve been pairing up with different creators to work and collaborate for six years. you have to do what you love and what you’re passionate about whether five or fifty people notice. that way, while you may have to pay to have your flower arrangement shot in kinfolk or co-design a necklace with a brand like imogene and willie who will receive all the credit, you are still building a portfolio and getting your work out there.” i was thinking a lot about this on the way back from claire’s apartment in harlem. i need to start investing in my passions right now, whether three or thirty people see what i’m doing. in the same way, that is precisely how my relationship with the lord needs to look as well. after having a stimulating conversation with claire, i came home and julia was still awake. we talked about the city and i expressed something that has caught up with me- while i feel like i am taking in, learning, processing with people i love and who understand me, i still feel stagnant. from this point on, i am going to treat this summer (and what i have left here) as an indefinite move. in doing so, i believe i will reach fuller potential here than i will if i see this as a short season. 

what areas in your life can you do the same? rather than seeing the month and a half you have left in nashville as a month and a half, how can you extend into the city in a more permanent sense? 

looking forward to talking to you this weekend!

xx, m.

humansofnewyork:

“If you could be one age forever, what would it be?”
“Thirty or forty. Old enough to know who you are, but young enough that you still have plenty of mountains to climb.”
(Cambridge, MA)

humansofnewyork:

“If you could be one age forever, what would it be?”

“Thirty or forty. Old enough to know who you are, but young enough that you still have plenty of mountains to climb.”

(Cambridge, MA)

and a piece of watermelon.

since we last talked (well via tumblr blogging) i was sitting in the Loft located an ocean and a few countries away. 51R is now a memory slowly fading as i walk into 5500 Maryland Way at 8:33am every morning. i’m beginning to settle into the normalcy of Nashville, pushing myself to find all the city has to offer. connecting with old and new friends, bearing the twenty minute drive to the more age appropriate area of town, and i can hardly say it, but battling the 5 o’clock traffic as i drive home from work every day. like you, i have stepped into the 8:30am-5pm world :: real world i should say. where i walk up the same cement stairs, use my toilet card (or swipe card) to get through every locked door, fill my tummy full of black coffee that at times can make me feel nauseous, listen to the chatter of the latest Bachelorette episode or watch Taylor Swift awkwardly dance to “Cruise” after the CMT awards on YouTube. my work community consists of six women :: a problem-solver sturdy intern, an answer guide, how-to-do anything/everything writer, a young yet intelligent next CEO, a kind-hearted social media gooroo, a glowing fiancé eating her “dieting” salad at 4pm everyday, and the two mama bears sitting in the back {both obsessed with Martinis and chocolate}. my boss — one that asks for chocolate around “chocolate:30pm” everyday, encourages creativity, personal opinions, passion and desire to be there. and then the CEO herself. what a nut…and i love her so much. her voice control never changes from a soothingly low harmonious voice. talking to me {sunglasses on as i am convinced most CEO’s remain} she airs a high position just by asking me how i am doing. one day, i shall do the same…one day, some day, maybe…bah, whatever. 

my internship has provided me with a real glance into the visual merchandising world. how every picture matters, the cropping and editing, the lighting, and the product itself. the titling has to be generic, searchable words that people would think of {bad example: a dress titled “fun”. i don’t know about you, but when i’m searching for a dress, i don’t usually type in fun.} i’m learning about the power of Google and their dominance in the world. we may fear China taking over, hey i wouldn’t be surprised if the brainiacs of Google decided to overthrow. then my chance of escaping the all day, every day computer life would be slim. welp, as long as Pinterest is still available. more importantly, actually less importantly because i feel like i’ve become the most self-absorbed being on this planet, i am learning a lot about myself (the selfishness being part of it). i’ve gotten to a point where i’m just tired of thinking and being in my head. there’s a constant chatter going on up there about me, me, me, and in a really sad, honest, “i’m going deep here” kind of way, the self-awareness becomes somewhat addictive. sure, people may say “it’s okay, we all go through phases where we are obsessed with ourself,” but i don’t want to be another person in the “phase.” {i’ve seen my siblings go through it and trust me, no fun to be the next person beside them…no offense.} 

all this to say, home is good. home is hard. home is home, but not mine anymore. Nashville is a city speedily growing at a thrilling pace, one that beckons me towards the downtown lights and money-sucking restaurants. i’m all for it and more than willing to make the efforts to make Nashville my college city for a little while. my first mission is to get over this hump of self. sadly, a few reasons stand in the way that apparently i’m not willing to give up yet {not big guy, don’t worry} but faith in myself will build and i will get better. just a matter of time…and a few more pieces of watermelon.

just to make ya smile a bit.

just to make ya smile a bit.

week one.

i cannot believe i’ve been in nyc for one week exactly. it was only a week and a day ago that i was in perfect sync with you on the dance floor at anna williams’ wedding. so happy i could spend my last night in nashville with you, there. it’s been a whirlwind of a week but a very good one. so much happens in a day in this city. everything is agenda-based, which is so fun, but keeps me from evaluating where my emotions are. (which i think is an okay place to be on week one.) regardless, david called me last night. he is some one whose friendship and conversation i take for granted most if not all the time. he was asking me some really amazing questions about what the Lord is doing and where I am seeing him. it  was so easy to look back over my week in that moment and pull out those divine moments of interactions with strangers that connected me more to the city, or evaluate on diverse relationships i’m slowly starting to build at work. there is a fellow intern that could not be more different than me. if we were in knoxville, i’m confident we would be so far from friends…but for some reason, i laugh the most with her when we’re stuck in the closet working on send-outs. we both laugh at each other a lot and are surprised by most all of what each other has to say on matters. i am really excited to see where that goes, as i am with all of the other interns. i am going to make a point to hangout with a few of them after work this week. 

i am so thankful to get to be here. i’m wide-eyed most of the time and always running from one thing to the next. but i have a small crew of wonderful people surrounding me and it has helped me realize how important the idea of community is. in knoxville, community is as available to me as a pair of pajamas. while i am working on becoming a part of smaller communities here, it takes time and patience. i was not expecting to be quite as content as i am here, but it really does feel like a strange unfamiliar home. come and see me and i will be the happiest person in all of new york. 

working on enough.

"i want to cultivate a deep sense of gratitude, of groundless, of enough, even while i’m longing for more. the longing and the gratitude. both. i’m practicing believing that God knows more than i know, that he sees what i can’t, that he’s weaving a future i can’t even imagine from where i sit this morning. extraordinary, indeed. more than enough."

(from our girl shauna niequiest.)

for me, enough has been my window that looks over my street where i sit at night after a long day of work. enough is a movie in the rain on a friday afternoon with julia. enough was the group of people who asked me a handful of questions on the subway last night and gave me suggestions of places to visit in the city. enough was trekking all the way to harlem on the dreariest of nights, only to stay in claire and cari’s apartment and listen to cari tell a story about herself that only helps me love and learn more about her. 

look for the word enough in nashville, and tell me what you’ve found.

xo! m (in the city)

food for thought.
xoxo, c. :)

food for thought.

xoxo, c. :)

relapse.

i’m up later than i should with the amount of studying that awaits me tomorrow. but my mind is full and my thoughts are swimming and i need to put something down, for some one other than myself to stew and stir over. this past weekend has been one of my all time favorites this semester, and this year. the situations and adventures i have found myself in with the quirkiest group of people are endless. this past weekend was one of those. from a big italian dinner, to the crashing of riverboat party, saturday night was a laugh. ending with a few of us up until 5:30 deliriously cracking jokes and sitting on a big palette on the floor, it was a much needed collaboration of old and new friends on a night to remember. i had really incredible intentional moments with roomz as well, for which i will safe for later for fear of a lot of tears and a lot of lovin’. it’ funny how quickly i can fall from spirits as high and nourished as these to a discombobulation that is frightening and confusing. i can’t quite put my finger on it, but i know it comes from a dark tendency to hold on tightly to the things i believe i’ve already surrendered. i started feeling disconnected at a banquet i had for the seniors of adpi. leaving early to catch the end of an ruf cookout, i landed in the thick of my insecurities. all at once. just like that. we find pockets of divine connect and community where we find comfort and encouragement. but the minute i begin let myself feel small for a moment, satan takes over and i’m his for the evening. i wondered why i felt the way i did at a place i put a medium amount of effort in, only leaving to seek security in a place i put a lot of effort in. that’s where i tripped up. as literal as that, i expect immediate results and immediate medication. 

as if that was not enough for one night, i met up with a friend who i’ve had to put up a little space with recently because of his feelings for me. after an hour or so in the park, with the perfect breeze and easy conversation, it was time to be tested for what felt like the third time in one night. he wanted more answers that i thought i had given him, over and over again, in the most communicative methods i thought possible. but the lord wanted to have his way with me. he wanted to push me into saturated honestly with some one who was more deserving than most in the way he has handled and answered to his feelings and affections. it was a tough conversation, and i left feeling mean and awkward all at the same time, ending the semester with a poor reflection on what our friendship had really meant and become to me. flustered and selfish i dragged my feet up to my apartment to find my roommate in a moment of weakness as well. (funny how the lord works.) in a matter of minutes, the phone rang, and the boy who has the short end of the stick already was apologizing to me for his unresponsiveness. how humble and caring he is for my heart and emotions, and here i was thinking of no one but myself. it was in that moment that i realized how manipulative i have been: holding onto the flattery, security and sweetness of what i’ve received, without giving him the awareness he deserved in leaving for the summer. i finally swallowed the pride i take in my precision and carefulness with for communicating, and let the lord speak. he did a much better job than me. are you surprised? 

looking forward to finally skyping with you today. i am sorry for being selfish. it’s about time i open the windows and let the wind in- not on my own time or energy, but on his. love you infinitely. xx. m.